Everything's cool for the first few seconds.
Then I remember what I'm like and how I have to be that
today, tomorrow, and every day until I'm not.
Mmm.
-Why am I here? -Don't you remember?
You said everything was spinning.
Yeah, ‘cause I'd just drank a bottle of vodka.
Why?
I lost my job, and I fell out with someone.
-It's what people do. -Idon't.
Well, not everyone's problems
can be solved by cat videos and anal clenches.
Sorry, Shereen, I don't mean that.
You've done so much. Letting me stay.
I'm taking the piss. You should evict me.
But you're a guest, not a tenant.
I wouldn't let a tenant sleep in my bed. It would be breach of the lease.
It shuts my head up.
Drink.
Well, how can I help you?
Don't let me go to Oddbins.
Shiatsu's really good for anxiety.
And I need someone to practise on for my course.
I think I feel worse than that.
Look, this is as bad as you're going to feel. Promise.
This was a positive bonding experience,
even if I am going to spend the rest of today
worrying I tried to sleep-finger her.
It's time to bring in the big guns,
before I shoot myself in the head with one.
Before you ask, I had a really nice childhood.
I wasn't abused.
Unless, not being allowed a horse is abuse.
Okay, good to know.
So, why do I think about molesting strangers
and going down on my mum?
Yeah, intrusive thoughts can be ridiculous,
but it is normal to have them.
But why would I think them if I didn't want to do them?
Can you tell me another one of your intrusions?
Like the last one you had, perhaps?
Well, I know this is difficult,
but everything you say stays in here.
I was thinking about fingering you.
I was thinking about stabbing you in the face with my pen,
and how I'd have to pay my cleaner extra because of the blood and the ink stains.
It was only a thought.
It doesn't mean anything.
Well, what did you do in response to that thought?
Erm, I told myself I didn't want to do it.
And when you tried to reassure yourself,
did that work?
No. Still thinking about it.
And, you haven't touched me.
Which would suggest that you are not going to act on your intrusions.
But I have acted on them.
With various people, and various genders, in various ways.
Oh. So you keep checking?
Yeah, that's a compulsion.
Anything you do as a reaction to your intrusive thoughts
is a compulsion.
Do any of these things stop the thoughts or the anxiety they cause you?
No.
So, could it be that your solutions are part of the problem?
OCD is a recognised condition that people get help for.
Help.
-I'm cured. -Really?
No. I've got to come back.
Ah.
Everything okay?
Er, it's an anxiety thing.
Snap.
It's probably because we're both creative.
It's like nature's compliment.
Ah, thanks so much for this. I'll pay you back.
Oh. It's my treat.
The last functional present I got was, er,
when my parents got me an office chair for my Christmas.
This is much better.
Come.
All right, it's me. The knob end for his mum and dad's house. Again.
Have you, er... Have you blocked me? I'm starting to think you have.
I've sent a lot of texts.
Anyway, will you just, erm... Will you ring me back?
‘Cause, erm, yeah, I'm meant to...
I'm meant to be going to this thing later,
and I've got to convince these work people that I'm all right.
And, er... You know, I'm not.
I feel, erm... I feel shit, actually, erm, ‘cause of...
You know, ‘cause of how I was with you.
So, yeah... Yeah, will you just, erm... Will you just talk to me?
I know I don't really know you, but I feel like I know enough.
Too much, perhaps.
But, you know too much about me and all.
And, that's, erm...
That's why we should be mates.
So, erm, yeah, call me back.
Oh, fuck.
All the fucked up stuff I've done
is ‘cause of my disorder.
Even the sex stuff
From now on, Iam off it
This is a friend zone.
If you see me near anyone's genjtals, Just smack them out of my hands.
£62.37, right?
Yeah, thanks.
I didn't think you'd come.
Unless it's the ghost of you and you've come to haunt me,
which I would deserve.
I'd haunt the fuck out of you.
Chuck your furniture about, wake you up in the middle of the night.
‘Cause that was...
- T know. - I don't even know what that was.
-Inexcusable? -I would love an excuse.
- I'm trying to think of one. - I don't want you to make one up.
I want you to talk to me, ‘cause I did you a favour.
I know, and I'm so grateful.
Libby thinks that I get junior staff off Tinder.
She started calling them "Tin-terns".
I fully accept responsibility for how fucked up I was, both times.
But I know it's me, and I'm addressing it.
I'm really sorry.
It wasn't all you,
and my recruitment strategy is clearly flawed.
Can't seem to keep it in my pants
because I keep taking my pants off for all the shagging.
What can I say? I'm a people person.
Especially when the people want to come back to my place.
It's a nice place.
-You should see my place. -Yeah?
Not that it's anything special, or even mine.
But I could cook you dinner, say sorry?
1... Dinner. Yeah, sounds good.
I'm like, "Please, be my friend".
You don't have to try so hard.
What?
I didn't know he was coming.
No, it'll be grand.
I let him come ‘cause he finally got rid of Shula.
He didn't murder her. They just split up.
And I didn't want to leave him on his own.
Drinks? What are you drinking?
Usual.
Er, I'm not. This is fine.
It's just an intrusive thought.
I don't have feelings for him, I have a medical condition.
Shit.
This is work. Been trying to pin her down for ages.
Don't shag her.
Hi, Nancy. It's actually an honour to be talking to you...
-You seem... -Warmer?
Iam. Not just in my bra this time.
Well, I was gonna say better.
Well, er, nobody's called me Moira since.
So... I have to run off to meet someone.
I'm not being a dick. It's for work.
Your woman sounds like high maintenance.
- But I'll see you for the dinner, right? - Yeah.
- Sorry to leave you with him. - It's fine.
I always forget people are into this.
Not me.
I'm not into this.
And he is definitely not into this.
We're two people not being into this.
Hey, we should get that drink now.
Still not drinking. That's peer pressure.
Doesn't have to be alcohol.
Do you mean a friendly drink?
Or a sexy drink?
Er, just so I know what I'm dealing with.
I was thinking like a sexy drink.
Why?
Because I'm available, and you seemed up for it.
- You think I'm up for it? - No, not "up for it", willing.
- 'Cause I'm so up for it. - No, this is... Er, I mean...
It's just like, er, really? After everything you've seen?
I like what I've seen. I want to see more of it.
- I'm quite messed up right now. - I don't care.
Well... I do care. I just mean I don't mind.
I'm like, "Come at me, bro. I'm into it".
Er, I mean, not into it.
Well, I was, 'cause it was kinda hot.
- This is coming out wrong. - Are you actually being serious?
Do you like vulnerable women or something?
No, I prefer stable ones.
Wow.
-Er, that's not what I meant. -No, fine.
I'm just gonna go.
Bye.
Marnie.
0i, you left your money.
Oh, shit,
Can you play something else?
Bejing friends with someone means
doing stuff for them that you don't want to do.
Like, listening to that dream they had or doing their birthday drinks.
This is like that, with more disinfectant and screaming.
-Does it hurt? -Yeah, a little bit.
I'm sorry about before.
Suggesting you're a predator. You're not.
Well, I don't know what you get up to in your free time. Maybe you are.
But, until I hear otherwise, you're not.
Thanks?
I've been having some technical issues lately.
So apologies for any inconvenience this has caused.
Yeah, it is a bit inconvenient.
How am I meant to prey on vulnerable women if I've got a limp?
It's weird the driver didn't see you wearing your high-vis.
Like a shit lollipop, man. You got run over.
Yeah, what did you come as? Loft insulation?
It's human bubble wrap.
So I don't hurt myself on London.
Did my nipples just quiver?
Yeah, but ‘cause of anxiety, not arousal.
He's a trigger, not a turn on.
They're taking ages.
Yeah, if you want to get off...
- Do you want me to? - No, I just won't be offended.
- 'Cause I can stay. - Yeah. I mean, whatever.
I'm staying, so you don't get run over by a trolley.
- Joseph Madaki? - Yeah.
-Should... Should I... -Could you...
-Yeah. -Thanks.
Fuck. Sorry, it's just really sore.
Your girlfriend can come, too.
- No, she's not... No. - Oh, hello.
No, not his girlfriend.
-Okay, thanks. -Sorry.
Hi, sorry, have you got someone?
Right. Cheers.
This lady doesn't have anyone.
Anyone need a person?
She's alone.
Er, I'L have to take you.
Tonight,
we're focusing on how to calm, tonify,
and dispersing chi.
Hi.
Hi. Amber Doherty.
Er, Nancy Vergallo's plus one?
I guess so. Yeah.
- We're so pleased you could make it. - Thanks.
She's not here yet, but you can go through.
-Great. -Can I take your phone?
Er, nope, that's fine. I'm gonna keep that.
It's the rules.
Sorry, is this like some sort of really polite mugging?
- I need it for work. - No, you don't. She doesn't.
Nancy, hi. Erm, Amber Doherty, £¢hel
I know, I googled you.
Erm, stick it in the same one, please. Nancy Vergallo.
We're so glad you could make it.
Like, actually glad. Genuinely.
- I really love your work. - And I love yours.
I love it, too. I think it is great. I love it.
Shall we?
Yes.
It's just hard to believe
that the woman who used to lovingly lay out my socks every morning
is the same one who spray-painted a cock on my Audi.
Well, I've become a complete cynic in these matters.
I'd stay well away from women
if I were you.
I will.
Oh, shit, there's one.
Oh, and another one.
You should have a word with them.
With women? Oh, of course.
And, erm, as spokesperson for all women,
I'd like to apologise for your wife's audacity
to claim reasonable compensation for the cost of access to her womb,
and the best years of her life.
What a bitch!
This is lovely. I'll go for the, erm, sea bass.
Could get used to this.
Obviously, subject to you letting me back.
Well, it's up to her. I just do what she says.
- You ready to order? - Ladies first.
-0ff you go, then. -Oh!
We're out of the sea bass,
-so apologies for that. -Oh, no.
Oh, he's gonna have to have more time off.
Do you think he's getting an injection?
Not unless it's a massive needle.
Like a knitting needle, or a skewer. Lance.
-A joust. -Okay, less pointy words.
Are you scared?
I don't like being poked by things.
Okay. So, you're not pregnant or breast feeding
or about to operate any heavy machinery?
-No. -Good.
Then you can enjoy these.
Once they've kicked in, we'll get you down to X-ray.
First, I need to get some blood in case you need surgery.
Christ!
Day one of celibacy and I'm already holding hands with someone.
What if this is a gateway gesture?
Hands today, genitals tomorrow.
Great, now my labia is twitching. What does that mean?
How do I know what's OCD, and what's me being horny?
♪ A dream of you and me together
That's not a side effect.
♪ Say you believe jt. say you believe it
♪ Free your mind of doubt and danger
♪ Be for real don't be a stranger
♪ We can achieve it
♪ We can achieve it ♪
It's in now, it's in now!
Metal rod in my vein.
And we're done.
Finger on there, please.
Get off.
Taking advantage when I'm in a vulnerable position.
Shit Am I sexually attracted to men being feeble?
So, I am just going to launch right in, if that is okay.
Oh, you've done questions.
Yeah, it is pretty out there
in terms of, er, interview technique, but it seems to work for me, so...
Can I have it back?
Let's not do this tonight.
- Sorry, what? - I don't really do interviews.
I know. Which is why I'm so grateful...
So, okay, thanks all for coming.
This girl has got something,
er, very unique and truthful to say
about the millennial female experience...
Er, this album is not about the millennial female experience.
- It's a discourse on current human... - It's so real. It's so authentic.
ITgetit
we're delighted
-she's saying it with us... -So, sorry,
- why am I here then, if you don't... - 'Cause you're fit.
And your Twitter's quite funny.
Am I supposed to be flattered?
Er, so, without further ado,
this is Kwine,
with Tongue Centre.
- My editor is expecting an article... - Okay...
It's starting, it's starting.
We are here.
Here we are.
Hello.
Hello. Hello?
-Hello? -This is really offensive.
You are here.
Nancy.
Iam here.
Nancy.
We are here.
Nancy.
Here we are.
Fuck this.
We are here.
Okay, fine, fine, I'lldoit, I'll doit.
Shit, I forgot my phone.
Are you fucking kidding me?
- What's the number? - I don't know.
Give me the ticket.
Fucking full of yourself, aren't you?
What? That was you.
That was not me, that was you.
So, are we gonna go to a real bar and do this or what?
Nah.
We're gonna go to mine.
I'm doing an article on celibacy. So...
Oh, fuck it.
- Or we go to my club. - Sorry, cab, please. Thank you.
Well, it's great to see you.
-Yeah, lovely, so... -Yeah.
Are you coming for one more,
or have you gotta get home and phone the Samaritans?
If Idon't, they'll worry, won't they?
Yeah, they're a good bunch. Iran the London for them last year.
‘Cause of my little sister.
- Come on, Angus. - Need a lift, Charlie?
Better do as your mum says.
- If you don't mind, yeah. - Of course.
Er, that'd be great. Thank you.
Safety first.
I feel great.
Really optimistic.
Optimism is a side effect of codeine.
It's a side effect of you.
It's definitely the drugs.
Stop. Stop it.
I'm itchy.
Other side effects may include vomiting, constipation, confusion, rash.
Got your prescription.
I'll give it to you, because he'll try and eat it.
And he's good to go.
He'll need some help, though.
Great.
I'm like his carer.
His creepy carer who fancies him.
Sorry about teasing you.
Just so you don't think I'm a complete twat.
You're not a twat.
Iam actually... I'm actually part twat.
Well, Angus is full twat, but it kind of rubs off.
Honestly, I don't think you're a twat. I think you're nice.
I think you're smart.
-Like, in your head, smart. -Mmm-hmm.
And... And, you've got, you know, nice blouses.
Is that what you call them? Tops.
- "Tops". -No, I like them. They're, erm...
They're nice. They're professional...
But like, sexy as well. No, no, no, not sexy. Erm...
Fun. Like, you know... In a respectful way.
You are... You are very sweet, Charlie.
Why do you want to come and work for a bunch of twats like us?
I love twats.
Can't get enough of them.
Maybe you should come back, then.
I would... I would love that.
So would I.
Er, I've...
-I've got to get out here. -Yeah.
Er, yeah, yeah, I've got to get out right here.
-Oh, yeah, okay. -Er, erm...
There's a Tesco around here. I need to get some milk.
-Could you, erm... -Pull over, pull over.
- Er, thanks. Thanks. - No, thank you. Thank you.
-I'll see you Monday, okay? -Yeah.
- Yeah. - Indeed, you will.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Shit.
Why am I cock-blocking myself?
If I want to shag him, I'll shag him and no one can fucking stop me.
Obviously not when he's vulnerable, ‘cause that's immoral
- Where do you... - I was gonna... In the bed.
Okay, in the bed.
Could've made it.
Yeah, I wasn't expecting company.
- Can you, er, give me a hand? - Yeah. Sorry, I was just watching.
Thanks.
Er, right, my work here is done.
-Give me my gear. -Mmm, yeah.
These should say, "May experience girl power"
on the side.
Yeah, sorry you had to see that.
Bye.
Oh.
Aw.
Okay, yep, thanks.
How you getting back?
Er, I'm just gonna go outside and hope for the best.
You're so in the moment.
No, just blasé about personal safety.
This is what I mean.
I don't think you're vulnerable.
I think you're Teflon.
Like a non-stick pan? No need to soap.
Take last week. You didn't think, you just did.
I want to be like that.
I want to go out in my boxers in a cloud of muffins.
You don't give a shit about what's gonna happen. You just go with it.
It's cool.
Okay.
Well, reality claxon.
I always think before I do.
So that was all me, which is disturbing.
I still like it.
That doesn't mean you have to like this.
No, I do. Objectively...
It's all very visually appealing.
-Oh, yes. -Get out!
Stop!
Er... Erm...
I.. I just don't know
if it's a good idea right now.
If this had been last week,
I would've been on there like...
But, now, I'm like, "Do I? I don't know."
I am getting mixed signals.
I know. Me, too.
I'm getting mixed signals from myself.
This is so confusing.
I don't want to do anything until I feel less confused
about myself, and other people.
Like you.
Nah, it is me.
I am, whew, away 'cause of the drugs.
-Don't know what I'm saying. -Yeah.
You junkie. You're a disgrace, being all nice to me.
-Call the police. -Yeah.
I'm gonna go.
But, mate, we should do dinner soon.
Yeah, great.
We should set it up.
That wouldn't have Just been a kiss.
That would've been another fucked up loop
in my sexual spiral of despair.
I can't have sex in real life when there's this much sex in my head.
Well, erm...
-Bye. -Bye?
Yeah, erm, I've actually got a Skype call
-early in the morning. -Oh.
It's just gonna be a bit awkward with some girl here.
Obviously, I wasn't gonna stay.
I was actually going to say I was gonna go. So...
I'll text you, yeah?
I'll, er... No, I'll text you. So...
I'll just grab these.
Did you know touch is the only sense you can die from a lack of?
-Mmm-hmm? -Hmm.
T's hard to fake this much holy bliss,
but I have to suck jt up if I want fo be friends with a tactile person.
It'll probably lead to human extinction,
‘cause we'll all be on our phones instead of touching.
You can't Instagram a hug.
Okay. Thanks.
Oh, but I haven't found your Palace of Anxiety yet.
Maybe next time.
Well, how do you feel?
Er, dishevelled?
But, er, a bit less anxious.
-Thank you. -Aw.
It's good we can talk about stuff.
I feel like I could tell you anything.
Yeah.
Last one, and I'll leave you alone, I promise.
I'm sorry. I've said that.
Idon't think I have, but Iam.
Well, fuck this.
I've fucked it, haven't I7 Fuck.
Hi.
Er, I got your message. I... Idid ring.
I didn't just pop round. Do people even pop in London?
I just wanted to talk to you.
‘Cause you're the only person I can really talk to.
And, I only got that
-'cause we weren't talking. -Okay.
I know it's late.
-Yeah, it's pretty late. -Yeah.
I'm realising that now.
Erm, and this is quite weird of me.
So, I might just...
Come back, actually, at a more convenient time.
-Okay, bye. -Marnie. Marnie, wait.
- I thought I'd fucked this up. - You haven't.
What were we doing? We don't even fancy each other.
Yes, I know.
I mean, don't get me wrong, you're a total catch.
You're a catch.
- I'm just not in a place for... - No, no, I'm... I'm not in a place.
So, we should just be...
Yeah, we should just be...